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Fight Wedding Jealousy Your engagement and wedding mean big changes ahead, and not just for you. Here's how to handle the sneak attacks of jealousy that can disrupt your relations with friends and family 
You've got it, and your best friend wants it. Envy is one of the most primitive emotions in the human psyche. And more than likely, if you're engaged or newly married, a few of your friends or siblings are feeling it now. "In every marriage, there will be someone outside looking in saying 'I envy them,' without even knowing how good the relationship is," says Dr. Jane Ward, professor of psychology at Cedar Crest College, Allentown, Pa., who also runs a private practice in marriage and family counseling. Your green-eyed friend may be envious that you are happy, that you have this seemingly great relationship, says Ward, "and deep down, that you have the wherewithal to pull it all together." Your friend also may be feeling a sense of loss. You now have someone else in your life closer to you than she is. Most of the time such feelings are benign and resolve themselves; the friend comes to terms with it. But if she starts thinking those wedding bells will never ring for her, things can turn destructive. No, you won't be attacked with a knife during the cutting of the cake, but an envious friend's actions could diminish your enjoyment of the wedding, damage the friendship or, in extreme cases, cause you to call the whole thing off. If you pick up on the signs of marriage envy and know how to take steps to curb it, you can avoid unhappy consequences. Your friend may be coveting your bride-to-be status if: • She starts provoking doubts. This may come in a number of ways, from simple questions such as, "How will you ever be able to make it with children?" to digging up dirt on your fiancé. And it may sound innocent, as if she's watching out for your best interests: "I just thought you should know the kind of guy you're marrying." "Marriage is already bogged down in all this talk of divorce rate. If somebody parading as a friend says some negative things, you may look at marriage a little more carefully, and that can erode you in ways you don't need," says Dr. Gilda Carle, author of "He's Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys" (Collins, 2000). "I'm not suggesting that you bury your head underground and don't listen to things that may be the case. But if you get constant negativity, beware." • She steals the spotlight every chance she gets. If all the wedding details become about her, she's probably jealous, says Dr. Kathleen Mojas, clinical psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. For example, she's your bridesmaid. You have a fitting. She complains that the dress isn't right for her, demands a different dress for her; demands attention from the dressmaker. • "She doesn't seem to be able to be happy for you, doesn't bring a sense of excitement or doesn't want to be there for you," Mojas says. • She starts saying negative things behind your back about your husband-to-be and even his family. Your power to soothe your friend's jealous mind is somewhat limited. After all, it's her hang-up. But experts believe you can take steps to help preserve your sanity and help you savor your big day. "Close" your friend's behavior by letting her know you appreciate her so-called help, suggests Carle. A simple, "Thanks for your thoughts. You've given me some things to think about," should suffice. Confront her about all the negativity. But make it a question, not an accusation: "Every time I talk about Ben, it seems like you're always saying something negative. Why is that?" Then, tell her it bums you out: "When you say those things, I feel awful." Set limits on whatever the bad behavior is. "Let them know they can't take up that much time with the dressmaker when you go the next time," says Mojas. If it continues, get tough. "If it upsets you to be a part of the wedding, I can ask someone else. I would rather save our friendship." Give her a reality check. Tell her your honey is not Prince Charming, but, in fact, he snores like a frog. And hope she can get some solace out of that, says Ward. Or diminish the envy by saying "I'm like you. We're not that different," because she's saying, "You're so much different than me, I'll never be like you. I don't have the right to marriage." Set boundaries, and speak up when you've had enough. If a jealous friend is starting to negate this good thing in your life, you may want to rethink whether you want this person in your life, period. "A little bit of jealousy or envy is a normal thing," says Mojas. "It brings up your own unmet longings. But the difference between that and acting upon that jealousy to begrudge you your happiness, that's when it becomes unacceptable and toxic." |
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