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Etiquette, Schmetiquette Q: Should brides and grooms throw tradition by the wayside in creating the wedding they want? A: Yes. No. And maybe. Don’t tell them what to wear, when to eat or who to invite. “It’s our wedding, and we’ll do what we want” is the mantra of most couples planning a trip down the aisle these days. An Associated Press reporter writes about her wedding done her way: no cake (fancy desserts instead); no bridal party, no first dance. Popular Web sites like indiebride.com are made for “independent-minded” brides. And a growing crowd of “anti” wedding guide authors have set up raucous reading rooms outside the upholstered walls of traditional bridal advice literature, where the Posts (Emily and Peggy), Martha Stewart and, more recently, Carley “The Knot” Roney stand guard. Sassy titles like “Offbeat Bride,” “Anti-Bride Guide” and “Anti-Bride Etiquette Guide” offer, as “Offbeat” author Ariel Meadow Stallings explains, “taffeta-free alternatives for independent brides.” In her own 2004 nuptials, Seattle-based Stallings writes that she dispensed with bridesmaids, the garter toss and monogrammed napkins and served Champagne in mismatched mugs. She maintains a blog where like-minded tradition-busters share their stories: a bride in a red wedding dress, bridesmaids on roller skates, brides displaying colorful expanses of tattooed skin in wedding day portraits. While it’s fine to put an original spin on a wedding, some experts remain unconvinced that traditions and etiquette should be thrown out the window. “Unfortunately, for the last five or 10 years, we have spent a lot of time telling brides to do whatever they want,” says Julie Raimondi, editor in chief of 16 “Brides Local” magazines across the country. “That’s not really fair. All of us wedding media are partially to blame for creating the egomaniac couple.” She and other wedding experts say: Remember your family. Remember your guests. “I hear complaints all the time,” says Karen Bussen, author of “Simple Stunning Wedding Etiquette” (Stuart, Tabori and Chang, 2008). “One of the problems is that we are living in a ‘me’-oriented society. On one side, it’s your wedding. On the other side, do you care about your family and others?” The top rule: Don’t offend your guests. My husband and I attended a wedding last year where guests were asked to pay for their own drinks at the bar, and that was the talk of the party. “How could they be so cheap?” one guest said. A wiser approach might have been to offer guests just beer, wine and perhaps one “signature” drink instead of a full bar. Seem obvious? Maybe. But some issues are not so easy to navigate. What happens, for example, if a bride and groom do not want children at the reception – and your families have tons of them? “I had a recent situation where the kids issue became a giant problem, and several parents left the reception,” Bussen says. “People who have children are offended that their kids are not welcome, and they put up a stink. One of the family members couldn’t believe her 1-year-old wasn’t invited.” Does this mean you always have to invite children? No; it’s a personal choice. However, Bussen and other experts argue that marrying couples would do well to keep a simple rule in mind: It’s not all about the bride and groom. Consider your family and friends. “Weddings are ultimately a family event,” Raimondi says. “If they weren’t, we’d all just go to city hall. It’s your job to be a good host. Otherwise, why are you having all these people over for a party?” One of her particular pet peeves is when brides have many out-of-town guests and don’t provide transportation from the reception, ceremony site and hotel. “All people want is to have a good time and know they can get home safely,” Raimondi says. “I see brides spend thousands of dollars on their dress but forget things that basic.” Another blunder? Giving useless favors. “People don’t need a miniature, steel wheelbarrow,” Raimondi says. She suggests either giving something edible, or something a guest will actually use. Are only brides at fault? Of course not. Brides, you have a right to get angry when guests don’t RSVP. But it is unfortunately becoming more and more common for people not to. “Friends don’t realize a reply is not optional,” Bussen says. “I think it’s crazy that people don’t reply to wedding invitations. They don’t realize it’s their social obligation to reply.” Another sticky area of etiquette is the bridesmaids issue: Do you pick what they wear, even if it’s expensive? Can you have a “man of honor” if your best friend is a guy? The answers fill modern wedding books. In fact, Bussen wrote her new one partially because she felt like times are changing so quickly, and these issues need to be addressed. Are ushers and greeters important to have, for example? Chaos can quickly ensue when wedding guests are expected to seat themselves or root around in the back room for the box of programs. Take the pressure off your guests and provide directives in the form of helpful ushers and greeters. Then there are the small, meaningful things that are rarely seen anymore: hand-addressed invitations. The trend now is pre-printed address labels. While computers are great, the Bride’s Book of Etiquette says to address all invitations by hand. But how many brides these days actually sit and read books like this? On the flip side, sometimes brides and grooms do things they think they need to, like spending a fortune printing “save the date” cards. Most of the time, these aren’t necessary. An e-mail and word of mouth is usually plenty. Save-the-dates are meant for people who are having destination weddings or for those who are getting married over a holiday weekend. And what about thank-you notes? Anyone who has received a pre-printed thank-you card, especially for a cross-country wedding, is likely to never forget it. “In that case, it [is] better for the person to send it a year later and have it handwritten,” says Raimondi. Tradition says you have two weeks to write notes for gifts received before the wedding; for gifts at or after the wedding, you have one month after your honeymoon. Realistically, the sooner the better. Still confused? A good rule of thumb, wedding experts say, is to consider those most important to you. “I don’t like the word ‘etiquette,’” Raimondi says. “What matters most is having a gracious bride and a thoughtful reception.” Bussen, the author of several wedding books, agrees. “My whole message is simplicity, and to get people to understand that etiquette is not necessarily about rules. It’s about being gracious.” |
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