Posted on: February 15, 2007
Stick with Your Budget – and Your Dreams
So you can’t afford the horse-drawn carriage you dreamed of since age five. Keep your chin up, kiss the groom and call the finest cab in town.
By Margraret Littman
CTW Features
Perhaps your husband-to-be lost his job. Perhaps your father’s retirement savings aren’t going to cover the cost of your wedding as well as they might have a decade ago. Or perhaps your pony-loving child self just misunderstood how much a schoolteacher would be able to spend on her wedding when Prince Charming finally arrived.
Whatever the reason, you’re realizing that the ceremony with a hand-beaded veil and 18 attendants strewing fresh rose petals at your feet just ain’t in the budget. Well, it’s time to get over it. That isn’t as hard as you think, as long as you own up to these five truths.
Truth #1:
The normal rules apply. You know the ones: Life isn’t fair. You can’t always get what you want.
It turns out, those axioms apply to your wedding day, too. “Initially my thought is nobody can have everything they want,” says Linda Barbanel, CSW, a New York psychotherapist and author of “Sex, Money and Power” (Hungry Minds). “But weddings are different. Brides see it as the most perfect day of their lives.”
You give yourself a reality check in every other part of your life: buying a house, negotiating a salary, or deciding that you can’t buy a closet full of Jimmy Choos even if that’s what they wear on “Sex in the City.” So, Barbanel suggests you do that with your wedding, too.
“Think about what’s reality, what’s doable, what’s in the budget that’s just as lovely,” she says. “Then, maybe there’s one area that can be extra special like the band, the calligraphy or the tiaras.”
Truth #2:
Your tastes have changed since you first slipped a T-shirt over your head and pretended it was a veil and played make-believe bride. You no longer think peanut butter and jelly is the height of cuisine, and Ken is no longer your dream date.
So, instead of staying married to your childhood fantasy wedding, adjust the picture in your head to reflect something you and your dream man of today can share together. New Yorker Sasha Emmons always imagined she’d get married “in a penthouse suite somewhere overlooking Central Park with a balcony.” New York prices being what they are – and the fact that Emmons doesn’t even know if such a place exists – she and her fiancé decided to get married in Toronto, where he was raised. Thanks to the exchange rate, they’re getting a lot more for their money, and their Canadian nuptials will reflect them as a couple. “I can’t imagine getting married anywhere else now, even if money were no object. I wouldn’t want it any other way now,” she says.
Truth #3:
It’s not about the party.
Yes, your friends and family may be coming in from out-of-town and may expect a free-flowing bar, carved ice swans and mints on their pillows. But what they really expect is for you and your sweetie to get hitched and live happily ever after.
Before Kellee Katagi and her husband got married in 1999 they went through pre-marital counseling at their church. Katagi says, “the pastor who was marrying us was helpful in keeping things in perspective that no matter how it happened or how much we spent, we were still going to be married.”
Truth #4:
Dealing with wedding miscues is good practice for your marriage.
You assumed your limited budget would go toward calla lilies and roses and he assumed it would go toward a DJ and premium well drinks. Okay, there’s no way you’re both going to get what you want – unless you win the lottery – so now is a good time to start sharing your feelings, says Barbanel.
Along with all of the excitement, happiness and anticipation, the engagement period can be landmined with conflicts, “a crisis period,” Barbanel calls it, when you and your intended may sometimes hit new lows. “That’s why engagements take time, because all these crises need to be worked out,” says Barbanel. “All of these issues become part of the engagement so resentment doesn’t build up and you get used to talking to your fiancé, soon-to-be husband and learn how to compromise,” she adds.
So, tell him why fresh flowers or covered chairs or a Vera Wang dress were so important to you. It won’t change the budget, but it will allow you to get to know each other a little better and understand each other’s dreams. Plus, you’ll probably get some calla lilies on your anniversary.
Truth #5:
Sometimes, dreams do come true.
Tara Connolly always dreamed of getting married in a castle in France. She called it her “secret dream.” And because both she and her fiancé Chris came from divorced families without a lot of extra cash, she hadn’t thought of her childhood fantasy as anything more than that. But Chris took it seriously. After the two checked out prices for renting halls and hiring caterers near their Chicago home, Chris suggested they price a small – close friends and family only – wedding in France.
Even though the two are still putting themselves through school, they found out that they could make Connolly’s dream come true. Renting a castle in France is about $3,800, and included the flowers and liquor, which would have cost more than $10,000.
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